The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
