A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
