Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
