i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize