She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
