Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
