Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
