you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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