party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
