he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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