Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
