I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
