Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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