so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
