I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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