Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
