Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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