There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
