The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
