Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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