I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
