Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
