i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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