apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
