I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
