the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
