Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
