Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
