i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
