I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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