My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
