how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
