She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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