Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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