My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
