i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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