You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
