I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
