I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Randomize
