Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
