How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
did you just send me my own nude
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
