It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
