It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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