My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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