plz talk dirty to me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
