I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
