Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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