I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
