the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
