Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
